1. They're always puking.
Especially if it's the first trimester. Get used to holding their hair while they exorcise the morning sickness demon.
2. They're emotionally unstable.
“When aren’t women unstable?” OK now that you’ve got your sh*t joke out of the way, no seriously, pregnant women’s hormones are on a whole other planet of instability, which is understandable because another f*cking human being is growing inside of them.
3. They eat in bed.
Hey remember back when your girlfriend was drunk and she was straddling you in bed while munching on a slice of pizza and you woke up with crust flakes in your butt crack? Yeah, well, get used to enjoying that wonderful feeling all over again, except you don’t have the pleasure of partying like an animal the night before.
4. They can't walk in heels.
Is she going to fall flat on her face? In the case of your preggo SO, it’s because her feet are swollen and she’s a bit rotund, not because she thought she was capable of going drink for drink with her friend Molly, who has an abnormal talent for metabolizing alcohol.
5. They're super protective of their loved ones.
So you’re in the bar, some obnoxious dude bumps you, and your drunk friend — in a moment of clear understanding of right and wrong — decides to drop kick this asshole for his poor manners. Now imagine you are her belly. Just watch her destroy anyone who gets near her baby, or its daddy.
6. They sleep like rocks...
It’s not easy rapidly gaining 30-40 pounds, most of that concentrated in your stomach. Plus, the little parasite-child growing inside her belly needs growth hormone, which is primarily produced during sleeping hours, so Mama needs all the napping she can get.
7. ...and treat waking up as a fate worse than death.
Being hungover is exactly like waking up pregnant. There's the puke-potential, aversion to sunlight, and finding any comfortable position when your tummy is jutting out like an over-inflated basketball is impossible.
8. They overheat.
And not in a sexy way. Drunk people will walk out in 20 degree weather, walk to the bus, keep the window open, go to their apartment, blast the AC, and then wake up with frostbite. The "glow" a pregnant woman has? That's f*cking sweat, generated from her bodily furnace that's working around the clock to develop organs and limbs and a goddamn human.
9. Getting naked is a blessing to them.
After having a few, getting naked is a foregone conclusion. Clothes get in the way of telling a great joke, or maybe letting everyone know just how much you regret your Bart Simpson tattoo. To a pregnant woman, there's no greater joy/relief than feeling peeling off her bra, belly band, and shoes.